Monday morning humor

Fred Bresler

ODwire.org Supporting Member
Jan 30, 2006
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Subject: FW: DOCTOR'S TAKE ON BAILOUT



[FONT=font-family:segoe tv,Arial,Verdana]Your laugh of the week![/FONT]
Subject: FW: DOCTOR'S TAKE ON BAILOUT

Doctors' Opinion of Financial Bail Out Package

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

T he Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt t he scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some ******* in Washington.
 
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Seniors

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Seniors - don't mess with them!
 
More humor

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when
the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite
some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck,and then began
moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders
and neck, slowly worked his hand down
over her breasts, stopping just
over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past
the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her
inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.He
continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped,
rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving
voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He said, 'I found the remote'.
 
hehe

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
 
Slow Monday on OD Wire.

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Back off!" she said. "Those are for the funeral.."
 
Barak Obama is out for a morning run when he jogs past a house with a boy and a basket of puppies in the front yard. Sensing a photo op, he stops and ask the boy, "What kind of puppies are those young man?"

The boy perks up and says, "Mr. President, they are democrat puppies."

Mr. Obama smiles for the cameras and thanks the little boy. His PR people see the still photos and decide he needs to run past again, but this time with a video crew.

A few days later the video crew is ready and the president jogs up to the house. Today the little boy is playing with the puppies in the yard and everyone readies for the the PR moment.

President Obama smiles and waves and asks the boy, "what kind of puppies are those young man."

"Why, they are republican puppies Mr. President."

Befuddled the president says, "son, a few days ago you told me they were democrat puppies."

"Yes sir, but in the mean time they have opened their eyes."
 
Be Happy the next time you are last in line.

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too" Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again."
 
Sexy Seniors

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us
have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so
amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.



When the couple finishes, the doctor says,
'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'


He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch
again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a
row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays
the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says,
'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'




The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.


The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.'
 
What's that word?

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible golf cart wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced..

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is 'sternum'."
 
that just cracked me up!
 
2nd crack up of the day! We are on a roll.
 
Remember...

This is a public forum. Your comments are being picked up by search engines.

Whatever you say will be public knowledge. Deleting after due consideration may not eliminate. :eek: :eek:

Think before you post.
:)
 
Ouch, this is a public forum. I hope none of your patients are googling you, David Miller, O.D.
 
Paul's exactly right

I did at least offer a feeble disclaimer (it was received by me from a sister-in-law) to "not shoot the messenger". But, in retrospect, probably the kind of joke that only needs telling between close friends. My bad!:(
 
Another Monday morning ..

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms!"

"No matter." said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side, and a crowd developed.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."



The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.



Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
 
Thanks Larry for that excellent joke. This one can't compare but here it goes:

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 
The explanation....So thats what happened.

11433_1257621090325_1523557676_657989_666209_n.jpg
 
Here's a joke I picked up on the web:

[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]"What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade.";)[/FONT]
 
It's a frickin elephant

From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher


My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked...."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does...

african-elephant2.jpg


"African Elephant"